


UWEIWFUWFO3-I0939020034'4MNSFNGEIRKLWHFTWYEFUOLJFITEYFOIKFOUAHIWUR903URIPQKDFQ

by madeinchinainkorea



Category: wug9h0eu09r8q098r90weuoknsckha[paspoefue0fhjfekflejfpw0-wf8-quuejflj;lu97e89rq98rp13;0o80193]1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:48:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26234413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madeinchinainkorea/pseuds/madeinchinainkorea





	UWEIWFUWFO3-I0939020034'4MNSFNGEIRKLWHFTWYEFUOLJFITEYFOIKFOUAHIWUR903URIPQKDFQ

**THEIA PERDE'S BEST** leather oxfords sank four inches into the largest, most excessive pile of dog droppings she'd ever had the pleasure to meet. If she hadn't known better, she was sure to have confused that with the one the Handler gave out after they'd gotten food posing after Italian day in the cafeteria.

Dazed with nausea and clutching her stomach, Theia wondered if it was best to chug up her guts in the middle of a road in god-knows-where. She'd hardly gotten her footing before she'd landed in a giant dog turd, but hey, at least it told her she was in civilization! Theia could've sworn, but there wasn't exactly time ━ her eardrums throbbed and her ribs ached and, before she could get a grasp on anything, the sound of a blaring honk was edging her, two headlights glaring right in her direction

Maybe she really should've listened. As if she had, she wasn't about to get flattened by one hundred and eighty tonnes of steel.

"O-oh _fudge_." 

Theia took a nosedive in the one direction that wasn't completely blurred by her motion-sickness and darted headfirst into what she presumed was the pavement. In the process, not only did one of her most expensive oxfords manage to wiggle its way off her foot, the shoe and the damn briefcase were about to be squashed like cockroaches by the biggest hunk of metal she'd ever seen. When on earth did she drop the damn briefcase!? Oh, she was truly and utterly━

By the time her vision had cleared, her world seemed to end in one pathetic pulp. "Oh no, no, no, no, _no_!"

This had to be the worst day of her entire life. And that was coming from the person who was forced to clean up the Handler's food poisoning droppings for god sake. In a fit, Theia slumped onto the pavement, really trying her best not to burst out in tears at such a horrific moment. Her eyes were swelling with tears and the burning sensation she'd felt in her cheeks returned. Oh, this was bloody brilliant. Theia was going to projectile vomit _and_ look like a deranged, bawling chipmunk while doing so. 

"Oh my _God_ , is she okay?" There chimed a perky voice from nearby and just when Theia thought this couldn't get any worse, she now had to relish in her embarrassment in front of a stranger. And a stranger who appeared not to have showered in a good ten years or so, judging by stench this person lingered with. 

Through the fuzzy vision of her sorrow, she managed to make out some scruffy man with a scruffy haircut and with such outrageous fashion Theia could hardly repress her shock. Her first instinct was to run off into the sunset, but that wasn't exactly possible when she was on the vomiting her guts out.

"You got a bad _trip_ , eh?"

How on earth did he know about her _trip_? Well, maybe that was because he saw her teleport into thin air and then saw Theia weep like a lost puppy, but that didn't exactly occur to her. Solemnly, she nodded and relaxed into the embrace of this appallingly smelly man. She really should've thought of stranger danger, but by this point, she'd lost the patience to care.

"Ah, I get that... you know, I also started all this business when I was around your age, all because of my dear daddy, fuck him! But hey, we can't pity on the past now, can we?" The man let a light-hearted snort out and wavered her shoulders around."Was this your first time?" 

By now, she'd managed to clock that this man probably was _not_ talking about her trip with the briefcase. "I - uhm - yeah..."

"Right, so depending on if it was a blunt or LSD ━ that was _my_ first, one hell of a day I'm tellin ya ━ you probably should..." He continued on in a crisp and delighted tone, as though he was teaching her the rights of passage in society. Theia, of course, was completely ignoring him. She did not want to get herself involved in whatever cult a 'blunt' was, or worse whatever satanic ritual LSD appeared to be. The man rambled on for some time, occasionally gazing down at Theia and having his atrocious breath hit her nostrils. "...and uh, yeah. That's all the knowledge you need to find yourself around this business. May I recommend Kenny over there," the man gestured over to a rougher and older looking one sitting on a beer crate next to a dodgy alley. The rougher one ━ Kenny ━ sent over a toothless grin. "for some cheap prices, if you ever wanna, you know, rock the boat again. Tell him Klaus sent you and your deal is done, bud."

Theia twiddled her thumbs together. "Erm, okay..." She didn't know what to say to all of that. She wasn't even listening! So she kept her gaze firm and glued to the floor as the pair of them sat in a some-what reflective silence.

"You know, I'm kinda getting the vibe that uh, you're not actually on drugs." The man ━ apparently named Klaus ━ supplied with a tight face.

"I - uh... no. I wasn't talking about drugs." Theia began, not exactly sure if she should continue. It couldn't hurt to go on. As there she was sitting on the floor with a stranger, one shoe and her life ruined, so there really wasn't any harm at all. "I, well... er, I've fudged my life━ oh, I'm sorry!" The crack cutting her voice in half was the tipping point of it all and tears dribbled frantically down her cheek. 

Klaus simply wrapped an arm around her other shoulder and rubbed it softly. "Ohh, no, no, no. Don't cry, little buddy. Hey, what's wrong? You can tell me, I might stink but I am actually quite trustworthy... Ben, shut it, alright? I'll snort the shit outta some crack later if you don't shut the fuck up... oh, I'm sorry about, well, _that._ I'm just, _y'know_... now come on. Tell me what's wrong. It's not good to keep shit all bottled up like some person in a coma, some fucker could probably end the world if they bottled up their emotions too much."

And so, with voice cracks lacing every other word, Theia explained the entire ordeal (the Commission, the briefcase, her strange mother) to this man, who although gathered himself a bit confused, he was fairly sympathetic and only offered words of strange wisdom. Namely, to never use a toilet plunger as a crack pipe.

A few beats of silence passed until Klaus spoke up again. 

"Is that shoe yours? You know, the one covered in dog shit. 'Cause if it ain't I'm looking to expand my extravagant wardrobe over here and really, that is one very good━"

"No, no! That is my shoe... uh, _sir_." Theia rushed, frantically wiping at her stiff cheeks and gathering herself up.

Klaus drew up a broad smile and patted her shoulder. "Aw, _shucks_. Did ya hear that Kenny? She called me sir!"

"Frig off! Ya owe me a good twenty, ya beggin' piece o' shit!"

The latter sighed and hopped up from the floor. "Awh, isn't he _sweet_? Let me fetch that for you." Klaus ran into the road, barely missed a car and got her shoe. He happily scraped the dung off onto the side of the concrete and polished as best he could with a random newspaper. "There you go. Good as... well, as good as a dog-shit shoe can get."

"Er, thank you, Mr Klaus."

"Pleasure. Now I really gotta get going, my dad decided to kick the bucket you see so and my asshole of a brother... well, he's just... nevermind. Well, _au reviour_." Klaus leapt up, ruffled her hair and skipped away.

Theia blinked, slightly taken aback. This Klaus character, however horrific he smelt or whatever cult he was in, had treated her... well, like an adult! He didn't coddle her, nor even try and take the mick as far as she could tell. And it felt good. Good enough that Theia had completely forgotten about the main problem at hand. Well, that was until she looked back at the squashed briefcase sitting pitifully in the middle of the road. It still emitted a soft blue light and for a moment, Theia thought that it wasn't completely ruined, until a giant puff of smoke jetted out and the light died. 

Her heart plunged into her stomach and over the road, a dying tree went up in flames.

"Oh, _fudge._ "

* * *

**FIVE HARGREEVES WAS** just about hanging on his wits end. It was almost comical how utterly shit the past twenty-four hours had been, nevermind the last forty-five years. He'd honestly thought reunited with his family (at last) would've been something of a miracle, a day he'd never forget. Well, it did turn out to somewhat of a day he'd never forget, but strictly for all the wrong reasons. First, he was now trapped in his fifteen-year-old self's body. Second, no one in his family really seemed to give a shit about their impending doom of the world fucking ending. And third, he was now pathetically biding his time by sitting outside the steps of the Meritech building with _Klaus_ of all sodding people, who was currently rambling on about his loneliness.

That idiot didn't know what loneliness was. He didn't have to live with it hanging over his head for forty-five bloody years. 

"Hey, hey, hey! Are you even listening to me?" Klaus snapped his fingers around Five's head who gave an acknowledging hum in reply. "I said, you'll never believe what happened today." 

Five most certainly wouldn't belive whatever happened. Namely because Klaus was probably going to tell him about how one time he dressed up as Jesus Christ and had an orgy in a field. Quirking an eyebrow and not bothering to feign interest, Five drawled a small, "Okay."

Klaus seemed to take that as his queue to continue waffling. Five most certainly was not going to listen to whatever the hell he was going to say next. He had more pressing matters to attend to such as how on earth he was going to get Delores back and oh, yes, how the world was going to fucking end in nine fucking days! But of course, Klaus didn't seem to care. Idly he yapped on and on and Five found himself being cornered into a state of wanting to constantly gouge his ear-drums out with a plastic spoon. He was practically ready to warp out of there, even though he did technically owe the fucker twenty dollars ━ but the apocalypse was coming! And he most certainly didn't have time to dawdle with funding Klaus' drug habit or any crackhead of the sort. 

"...a blonde Jesus!" The latter suddenly exclaimed, clasping his hands together like some smitten school-girl.

" _What_?" Five cocked his head. "Your mind baffles me Klaus. Really."

Klaus was immediately offended and drew himself up, proud. "No, seriously. I saw the blonde Jesus! I mean, at first she wasn't like Jesus at all, I just thought that she was high. 'Cause she was being all angsty and wailing about some communism━ wait, no, no that's not right. Hang on... ahh, right, yeah the Commission or Opticians or something. And briefcases, yeah something like that. Must've been one hell of an eye-doctor trip, blonde Jesus was _really_ upset. And after that, I'm pretty sure she set a tree on fire, that's how she got her name." He remarked all too casually as he picked at his fingernails, as though saying some nursery rhyme.

"Where." Five bit out, less of a question more of a harsh command. 

"I mean, I dunno... around one of those crack alleys _━_ "

Five scowled and yanked onto the collar of Klaus' second-hand suit. "I need to know Klaus! Specifics!"

"Jesus Five, who got your little panties in a twist?" Klaus stiffly chuckled and deadpanned after seeing the look plastered across the latter's face. "Look, it was just some crack alley alright? Around, like uh, I dunno 138th street. Maybe, I dunno, memory is bit hazy 'cause of the good ole drug-a-roony and I _━"_

Five had split into the air with a violent _crack_! and disappeared from sight, only leaving behind a distraught and downright insulted Klaus, shouting into the sky quite obviously pained.

"That little shit... what about my _moneyyyyy_!?"

A startling _whoosh_! rang into a dark alley as Five Hargreeves warped back into existence, startling three stray cats and a random man scavenging through a dumpster, who was now frantically rubbing his eyes and staring at Five as though he'd just seen God's asscrack. He narrowly avoided the pile of god-knows-what as he crept out of the alley and turned his nose up at the stench of piss and whatever drugs inhabited the area. Jesus, this place was an absolute shithole. No wonder Klaus was a frequent visitor _━_ that man was practically the textbook definition of this _place_. Judging by the looks of things, Five would have to keep low and avoid teleporting at all costs. He didn't fancy the idea of having another boat-load of Klaus carbon copies kissing his feet at the sight of him using his powers.

Five pondered to himself as he strode a little too quickly down the pavement. What on earth was _she_ doing here? Well, presumably to kill him Five quickly calculated, seeing as he'd killed all the local hires the night before. But seriously, whose bright idea was it to send the Handler's bloody daughter to try and kill him? It was rather startling that they'd send a little girl into the field alone, let along the hot mess that girl appeared to be. If anything, they should've sent someone actually talented, such as himself, but that really wouldn't work out considering the circumstances. As far as Five knew, the Handler's daughter _━_ Tonsil, her name was, he recalled _━_ had the standard Commission training and be a walk in the park to take down. If she were as cunning as her mother, then perhaps a tad harder. But nothing greater than the average Commission moron. More or less, she would be exceptionally mediocre and completely, utterly _━_

"Holy _shit._ What the..." said Five, blinking at the sight in sheer disbelief, his mouth gaping open.

An inward groan was quickly scraping up his throat and he cursed. This was an absolute mess! How on earth was he supposed to deal with that Tonsil girl when, well, _that_ was happening? Before him lay a parade of what he could only presume were lunatics folk dancing around a tree, ablaze with all its might and with one tosser trying to piss the fire out. The idiots dancing around this death trap were chanting and were about an inch or so away from knocking the sod trying to piss in the tree right into his on catastrophic death. This had to be the work of blonde Jesus, just as Klaus had speculated.

And yet, with all that chaos, Tonsil was nowhere in sight. 


End file.
